I swear something is wrong with me. It's the 3rd week of school and I've yet to settle down.

I've started on nothing, am doing nothing (except chatting on msn, window shopping, and hanging out at Lychee's place), and am accomplishing NOTHING.

Life has been quite meaningless since school started. This is the 1st time I've taken so long to adjust to school after the hols.

I can only remember celebrating birthdays, shopping and baking at Lychee's house.

I just can't FOCUS. Projects are already underway, but my mind is always somewhere else during meetings and I don't like going home straight after school now.

This can't be happening. Not now, not this semester. Esp when you have a lecturer that can't teach and just tries to fill up the time every session. And when that every session lasts for 4 hours.

I want you to know that you are going to be okay.

I wish someone could say that to me now.









Everyone has their special someone.
If you don't,
it means time isn't here.
But don't you worry,
I'll hold you first,
so when he comes,
you'll be ready to leave,
and i'll be watching you here.







Last Sunday, as I was rummaging through a pile of old bags my mom asked me to look at, I found some bags that were worth remembering, but no point in keeping since they were already rotting with yellow patches.

And knowing my STM(Short-term memory), I took photos of them. And I ended up being obsessed about the camera angles, but it was fun.

These are the products of my random photography session with my old bags:






...in my nightmare.

I was shouting "Help, help! Someone please help me!" in both Mandarin & English as I ran along the short corridoor. I kept looking towards the lift, afraid the rapist would burst out & finish me off. I knocked on every door, one by one, but there was no response. The corridoor was silent except for my shouts of help.

Then suddenly an old lady opened her door, & offered to take me in. Suddenly I was surrounded by my mom & my grandma, both who were thanking the lady profusely & hurrying me to get in. I took one last look at the dark end of the corridoor where the lift was, thinking that the rapist will emerge at this moment, but he didnt. Instead, a whole gang approached us, all of them carrying parangs and long knives. It was like they were chasing us. My mom & grandma quickly ran into the house, and I followed suit.

Once inside, I don't know why but after locking the door, my mom & grandma stood in the hall, while the old lady & I rushed into what I assumed was her room, & she locked the door. I realised the old lady's house looked familiar, and it was small. Then I saw this skinny old man lying on the floor, being very still. He looked pale, and I just sat there staring at him. He's probably her husband, and he's probably dead.

In the hall, things were getting dangerous. The gang managed to get in somehow, and my mom & grandma were taken hostage. My grandma was pleading with them, to let me go. Then my mind drifted back to the room scene, and the old man was gone. This time I was near the door, listening to what they were saying.

After a while, I sneaked out of the room, and somehow managed to creep into the kitchen, going past the gang. I hid in the toilet, and dialed 999. An officer picked up & I whispered "Help, there's a gang with parangs in the house & they've taken my mom & grandma hostage! We're at Avel Rd, Avel Rd!" Then one of the gang members came into the kitchen, & looked around for something. He was just inches away from me- I can see him, but he didn't notice. I was holding my breath behind some baskets, with at least half of my body exposed. Luck ran out as when he was about to go, he spotted me.

He pulled me to the hall, & made me stand before a tall, bulky guy, in front of the gang & the "hostages". The next thing I knew, the big guy drew out a parang & raised it above his head. As he swung the weapon downwards, the scene blacked out & I realised I woke up.

For the next 5-10 mins I was lying on my bed trying to recall what I had just dreamt, and trying to make sense of it. They say dreams & nightmares are there to tell you something. And I was also too shaken to go back to sleep. I think the scary thing about this nightmare was, there were too many familiar things, and so it felt real. The feeling was death was overwhelming.




The previous ranting post has been deleted as the author's seating arrangement has been settled, with satisfactory results.

P.S. Also because the people there have overshadowed her with such kindness she felt her conscience will bug her if she doesn't do this. :(




I believe you’re in a better place now.

You've suffered so much & finally, you got your release. It wasn't exactly what you wanted, but at least, you weren't alone when you left.

My grandfather passed away in the hospital on Tues morning, after being revived 2 or 3 times. It was like he wanted so much to live, but his time was up.

He wanted to die at home, with his family beside him. It was such a simple thing to wish for, but yet, so hard for all of us to compromise. For me, at least.

I visited him on Sunday noon, & he was in very bad shape. He looked as if he was blind, with a layer of fluid covering his eyes, & he was oblivious to his surroundings. His eyes were wandering here & there, & I wondered if he even knew I was there. I also realised he had a small bag attached to an open hole on his stomach. It turned out that open hole was a result of his intestines being cut off. The bag was there to contain his waste.

To put it bluntly, he was like a living zombie. Scars all over his stomach & legs due to multiple operations, his legs rotting away with dried flaky skin, & him just lying lifelessly on a wheelchair.

At that point of time I was both thankful & full of regret.

Thankful that I got a chance to see him before anything worse happened, followed soon by regret going there, cause' I was scared I was going to see him die before my very eyes.

I told my mom, you have to make him get to the hospital. You can't just leave him like this. I wanted to say, if you dont, he's going to die. But they didnt want to force him to go to the hospital since he was persistent & wanted to respect his wishes. So I made a coward decision to hide in the toilet, & sms my dad. As I was doing so, I cried a little. I felt like a loser.

Dad did call, but didnt manage to persuade them at all. I guess, he wanted to respect gong gong's wishes as well. I felt all hope had gone down the drain when mom hung up the phone.

Why didnt Dad try harder to convince them?
Why cant they see that gong gong is dying every sec he's at home?
If there is a god, why the fuck isnt he doing something?
I hate this fucking world. Fuck everyone.
He doesn’t deserve this.

For the next few mins, I stayed in the toilet trying to calm myself down & dry my tears. I dont like people to see me cry.

Then the hours that followed was nothing but wait.
Wait for time to pass, wait for my uncle to come & try to convince them to seek treatment at the hospital.

But I thought too highly of him.

Being the NATO he is, he just talked about minor things like my dad’s pants being too big for him, (my mom wanted to pass him my dad’s old pants) & he stayed for 10 mins. 10 bloody minutes. Then he was off to meet someone. It’s like he only came to use the toilet, not to see how gong gong was doing.

And he lives only a few blocks away.

Honestly, I don’t know what the world is turning into now. I pray that gong gong you will give me courage to face it.